A Long Long Time Ago

Been going through my box full of old letters and photo's and man! it took me waaaaaaaaaaay back.

Thinking of myself back then, I feel like I'm a totally different person now. Mostly "better" different, but different none the less. And it's quite bizarre to think of yourself in terms like that. I mean, to me I'm just, well, me. What I mean to say is that I don't really think about myself as a distinct person, until confronted with the self of the past. I sometimes want to go back and just talk to her and prevent a lot of stupid decisions! Although, I suppose that's a self-defeating mission, as I wouldn't know to go warn her if it didn't happen. Mostly I'm grateful for everything that's happened and everything I've been through.

I do feel though that a lot of my innocence has been lost. I'm well and truly past that bright-eyed wondrous stage in a lot of ways. But in a lot of other ways I'm only entering that phase now. And it's magical. More magical now. I can identify and fully appreciate the feeling now, something which I never could do in the past. I feel like a lot of the time I've been very disconnected from my feelings and not as spontaneous as I could have been. There was a time when I was a lot more serious, a lot more planned, measured, controlled. And it's absolutely great to let go of that with so much abandon. To experience life in abundance, to FEEL freely and passionately.

I'm loving every moment of my life currently!


Titania said...

Great to hear - would you say having bagged your favourite martian has anything to do with it? :p Well, it's cool you're doing well. I'm still stuck in the "self-control & inhibition" stage of my life - what's your breaking out secret?

The Woman said...

Hmmmm, I don't know... ;-)

No, I just made a conscious decision to let go a bit. To loosen the reins a little, if you will. I guess I realised I was missing out on so much and in fact, I was suppressing my OWN personality, thoughts and feelings.

Ridiculous, don't you think??

So, to answer your first question, I don't think my favourite martian was the cause of the "breaking free", but I definitely feel that our relationship wouldn't have gone this far if I hadn't forced myself to "break free".

The me from back then wouldn't have given him a gap to come in...

Titania said...

Not ridiculous at all - we tend to conform alot to what our family / society / academic institution / religious group expects, and tend to get stuck in such a rut we forget who WE are. But every now & then it breaks through, and then we feel liberated.

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